A couple of days after Zane’s service, my husband and I got in our Dooley truck and headed out from South Texas to New Mexico. We had no particular place to go. It just felt like going to New Mexico would be soothing. It was … or at least as soothing as anything can be in those first few days after his service.
I remember sitting in the truck, waking up from a short nap and feeling like a big dark see-through veil was hanging all over me. I now understood why some cultures have traditions requiring a widow to wear a veil over her face. I felt like I could touch my invisible veil. It was so heavy and it felt so real.
But I did see a light through that black veil. It was a poignant one for me. I became crystal clear about what was important to me in my life. God, expressing love consistently to family and friends … and appreciating my horses for just being who they were (not always what they could do for me) … and being true to myself were top priorities … and still are.
As heartbroken as I was, I vowed to live with that sweet clarity because I knew somehow it would help me live a more peaceful life by melting away things that could worry me unnecessarily from time to time.
That has been almost 16 years ago. Now, when I do find myself entering into uncomfortable, entrapping circles in my head, I think about Zane and what’s really important to me. I make every attempt to return to living with that awareness so I can let go of the turmoil.
That sweet clarity has been healing for me … and it’s a gift that enriches my life now.
Have you had this same experience?